I know I should be busy. There’s so much to do, but lately I just don’t have the energy. Those who have never experienced what I feel right now have no clue. It can’t be explained away. You can’t just say buck up and get on with it. There is no bucking up. No getting on with anything. Why do they call this a black dog. Is it loyal? Does it attack? Does it lick your face? I read somewhere that Winston Churchill experienced this and yet knowing that fact doesn’t make me feel any better.
Listen! There’s a Currawong outside my window. It’s incessant call sounds like a phone ringing. Will somebody please pick up? Thank goodness, it stopped.
I feel like my whole body’s been dipped in lead and all the joy has been sucked out of me. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just hate me. I hate my life. I hate what I’ve become. I’m sorry for what I was.
Standing at the window, the traffic flow on the street seems busier today. Errgh. That just means more people, more activity. I’m not a participant so it doesn’t matter. I close the curtains.
Once a day, there’s the Doppler effect of a motorbike vroooooom as it speeds past at god-knows- how many k’s per hour. It’s never at the same time and riders only seem to speed like that in one direction. It’s a wonder they don’t get busted. But who cares?
I turn over and go back to sleep.
Sunlight peeps through the curtains but I’m warm and cosy here. Why should I move? Close my eyes and drift away.
Sleep. Sleep, sleep the day away. That’s right. But if I go back to sleep now I won’t be able to get to sleep tonight. It will be nearly dawn before I’m snoozing.
Last week I had a terrible, scary idea. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so down in my life. I called up one of those helplines and the person on the other end really listened, so after a while, I didn’t feel so bad, but the thoughts run round and round like a mouse on a wheel.
Someone said that pitching in to help other people gets you out of yourself but I don’t know if I’d be much use to anyone at the moment. Who could I help if I can’t help myself? How did Churchill get round it? Did he suck on more cigars? Drink more cognac? Being drunk or stoned doesn’t help.
TV is a distraction but I find late night TV is banal with it’s infectious infomercials, each one touting the virtues of products that I don’t like, don’t want and don’t need. My granny watches infomercials through her bouts of insomnia. Without fail, her Christmas presents to us are always ‘as featured on TV’ and ‘but wait there’s more!’ God bless her. Two or three gifts in one.
Last year, she gave me a strange little oven thingy with the glowing ring light and the timer that goes Ting! Can’t remember the last time I baked or roasted anything. My kitchen has a fly festooned bin that’s overflowing with garbage. Cockroaches toddle up and down walls. I think something died in the fridge. One more thing to do before I do another task and another. I don’t cook, find cleaning too overwhelming. I live on coffee and prepackaged meals. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Anything to give myself an energy boost:
Fade out…I was closing my eyes and snuggling beneath the covers when my best friend rang to tell me she was feeling blah, too. I wonder how many others have the blues or black dog. Shake it off like Taylor Swift or Chris Crocker?
Sheesh!
Look at the hour. It’s getting late.
I just remembered I have to post a parcel to my Granny. I’ll send a card to my mum for the heck of it and while I’m there, I’ll send one to my bestie hoping it’ll make her feel less blah. I miss them all. I’m a prisoner in a jail of my own making. Maybe a walk outside will do me good. Anyway, it can’t hurt. While watching tiktok, my eyelids droop.
Fade out.
Oh no. I missed the post office. It’s dark outside. Wide awake now. Guess I'll hang around home in my pjs and watch more TV. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.
PS: If you're experiencing any of the above, need help, would like a calm and helpful ear or eye, Lifeline, Children's Helpline, Black Dog Institute, Reach Out, the Salvation Army are some of the services available either by phone or internet.
